NSA Leak Reveals Alarming Pattern in Domestic Phone Calls

Dateline May 15, 2006 - Washington, DC
Byline: An Old Throwback to the 60's

NSA Leak Reveals Alarming Pattern in Domestic Phone Calls

Unnamed Source Raises Concerns about Al-Qaeda Plot to Target Motherhood

A source close to the National Security Council revealed today that the National Security Agency's program to monitor domestic telephone calling patterns has borne fruit. According to the source, since the program's introduction, the highest spike of domestic call volume occured on Sunday, May 14.

Sophisticated data mining techniques developed at the NSA allowed analysts to profile the calls and an alarming pattern emerged, according to the source. Millions of calls were made from all over the country to people with certain characteristics in common - people, specifically females, with a median age of 67. A statistically signficant proportion of the women who received the calls were widows, but even more alarming is that virtually all of them have living children or grandchildren and these were the people that orginated the calls.

NSA officials were reluctant to reach a definitive conclusion about the event, but speculation centers on an Al-Qaeda attack. "It is well known that the terrorist organization targets American values, and mothers are an easy target - easier than apple pie and baseball," a source close to the Bush administration who wished to remain anonymous offered. "You can be sure we'll be using our fullest capabilities to defend the Institution of Motherhood from all threats."

Although the source declined to be more specific, this reporter has learned that the NSA is not resting from its vigilance. The Administration is contemplating monitoring all such calls through wiretaps, insisting that the pattern of calls justifies further action. "We will stop at nothing to defend the safety of American mothers from all threats. Americans expect nothing less. If we have to monitor every phone call in America, we'll do it," the source concluded.